Here is my reason for not believing in god.
A tiny girl sitting in her room praying to god to make the pain that a family member
was causeing her stop.
"Please god make it stop! Make them stop hitting me! Please god make the pain go away."
"God why wont you listen to me? Why have you let me fall behind and left me
alone? Why wont you make them stop hurting me? Can you at least have mommy make
them stop if you wont stop them yourself?"
"God what did I do to make you hate me? Why are you ignoring me god? I tried to
be a good girl god. Please I will do anything if you make them stop hurting me."
God never listened to my prayers when I needed him the most. I was fucking 7
years old and god never helped me. I was beaten every day by a family member just
because I would not be their little slave. I could not have done anything to have
disurved that. I was only 7 for goodness sake. He is not there and he is not listening. That is why I do not believe in that imaginary friend called god. So please dont question it anymore.
He is gone. He got on the bus about an hour and a half ago. I am alone again.
March was a great month. Then it had to go and end up being a bastard.
I just want to lay down in a hole and die. I really really hate the fact that he has to leave and I have no clue what we really are. I mean, I dont want to be sitting here waiting forever for him just to find out he has gone and found someone else because we were not offically together. I mean he means a lot to me now and it has only been a week! How can that not be something important? I am going to be wreck for the next couple of days. I know he is leaving and I dont get to see him again before he goes. I could have seen him last night but I was out seeing a concert. I know I was with friends who love me but I could have been with him one last time before he is gone again for a month and a half.
I also think that he might mean way more to me then I do to him. I mean we have not really talked about it because I am too scared to mess up what we have. I really dont want to lose him, but I really want to know what we are. And I dont want to freak him out by telling him what I feel. I have never had any sort of luck with men and now when I finally have something remotely good going there is him living far away and going into the airforce fucking it up.
I just want him to want me as much as I want him. But I dont want to ask him what I mean to him for fear of finding out that I mean very little to him.
I am so lost.
|So yeah... guys like me now for some odd reason. 19 years of almost solid ignorance from them and suddenly I have three guys who like me. Well or at least find me attrative. I mean there was Eric, that one was just strange. There is Brent, who I am really excited about ^_^. There is Rick who at one point said I was attrative. Then there is Aaron, that one I am not that proud of but hey it is someone who likes me. And there is one undisclosed person that came totally out of the blue and said I was more attrative then Sara which is like the biggest compliment I can get considering that Sara is the hot one of us girls. So it is strange. That all this would happen now. I am just so lost. I mean there were 18 years before now to do this and it is all happening recently. Humm... maturity must cause hottness. ^_^ Cool. I just have to rope in two other people and I will be set ^_^ |